If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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