Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
