any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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