Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
