My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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