I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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