I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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