whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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