Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
