is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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