I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
