I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
