just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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