hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ketchup is God's man juice
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
