break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
