i barfeds in our rink
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
