I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
