i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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