so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
