They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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