i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
