I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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