I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
