she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
