All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
