my phone needs a breathalizer
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
