Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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