Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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