Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
