Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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