saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
