OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
