I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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