i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
