mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
