there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
