4 words: hood of his car
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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