you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
