i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
