At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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