I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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