ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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