You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
