Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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