I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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