Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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