woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did I show you my penis last night?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
