tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
did you just send me my own nude
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
