I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
