So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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